The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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