you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
this boner is exhausting
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
