Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
