i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
