please come you make the beer taste better
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
