it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
