Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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