"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
