Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
