My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize