you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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