My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
