I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just high enough for therapy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
