and she was petting her beer can
sarcasm needs its own font
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
