I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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