his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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