Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
