I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
