I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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