he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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