Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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