I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
