This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
