The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize