Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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