no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When are your genitals available?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize