First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
ok first of all what the fuck
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
