i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
