You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
