I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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