Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
