I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
