So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
