I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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