you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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