sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
