I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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