then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
