He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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