i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
