oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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