The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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