??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
How external is "for external use only"?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
