i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
