just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
