wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
