Whatcha textin bout Willis?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
