I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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