I faked an abortion last night.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
