apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
