Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize