Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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