I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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