my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
