dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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