The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize