I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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