he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
