JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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