i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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