He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
