As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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